15 | Martyrs

Martyrs
Released: 9/25/2008
Director & Writer: Pascal Laugier
Starring: Morjana Alaoui, Mylene Jampanoi, Catherine Begin
Synopsis: A young woman, Lucie, tracks down the family who may or may not have held her captive and tortured her when she was a child. Things quickly spiral out of control and Lucie enlists the help of her close lady-friend, Anna. However, the monsters that Lucie is fighting become too strong and soon Anna is left alone to pick up the pieces. This alone could be a perfectly acceptable synopsis for a movie, right? Well not this movie. You barely have time to digest the events that unfold in the first "part" of this film before you are forced to experience a whole new level of depravity. It's a feel-good flick for the whole family to enjoy!

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What'd we think of Martyrs?
(Out of 5 stars)

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Our next episode will cover Starry Eyes, a film about one woman's desperate journey to make it big in Hollywood. Unfortunately for our main character, talent is no longer enough to succeed as an actress.

14 | Tusk

Justin Long in Tusk

Tusk
Released: September 19, 2014
Director: Kevin Smith
Writer: Kevin Smith
Starring: Michael Parks, Justin Long, Haley Joel Osment

Synopsis: Wallace Bryton, played by Justin Long, is an obnoxious, douchebaggy host of a popular podcast show, whose premise is that Justin Long travels around, interviewing people from popular/viral youtube videos and then comes home and describes everything to his soft friend, Teddy Croft (Haley Joel Osment). After the kid Wallace traveled  to Canada to interview (the "Kill Bill Kid") kills himself, Wallace is forced to come up with another idea for their podcast episode. Enter Michael Parks as Howard Howe, a strange recluse who is looking for someone to tell his many stories to. Wallace takes him up on the offer and soon finds himself a prisoner in Howe's crazy walrus fantasy. Yes, you heard correctly...Howard has a walrus fantasy. He wants (and eventually succeeds) to turn Wallace into a walrus. Was this a horror movie or a comedy? Whatever it is, I'm sure this will be the last time I watch it. 

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What'd we think of Tusk?
(Out of 5 stars)

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Here are a few of our favorite quotes from Michael Parks' character, Howard Howe:

“I believe we are all tea people.”

— Howard Howe

“Cute? Cute is for Chinese babies, Mr. Bryton. My walrus companion was beautiful.”

— Howard Howe

“Typical spider...legion of legs.”

— Howard Howe

“Is man, indeed, a walrus at heart?”

— Howard Howe

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We aren't the only ones who happen to think that mustachioed Justin Long looks a helluva lot like Carrie Brownstein dressed as a man. Once again, the internet has come through and proven itself to be wonderful.

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Next, we'll be giving our much-requested opinion on, what is often listed as a rather disturbing movie, Martyrs. We're really going out on a limb here by asking Karen to watch it but, who knows...maybe she'll like it.